Episode 18
❤️ Parenting 101- Raising Happy Kids
This podcast episode centers around the critical theme of parenting and the essential role of open communication in fostering emotional intelligence and independence in children. We engage in a profound dialogue with Amita Khare, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Zenith Counseling, who shares her extensive expertise on nurturing children through various developmental stages. Throughout our conversation, we explore practical strategies for parents to offer choices effectively, validate emotions without excusing inappropriate behaviors, and establish healthy boundaries devoid of punitive measures. The insights provided underscore the importance of recognizing children's individuality while maintaining a supportive environment that encourages self-expression and critical thinking. As we navigate the complexities of parenting, Amita emphasizes the necessity of being present and engaged, fostering lasting connections that transcend the challenges inherent in the parent-child relationship.
The podcast episode presents an enlightening dialogue centered on the intricacies of parenting, particularly emphasizing the importance of communication and emotional support. Amita Khare, a distinguished marriage and family therapist, shares her extensive expertise in navigating the challenges parents face in fostering their children's emotional intelligence. A key theme that emerges is the necessity of offering choices to children in a structured manner. Khare elucidates that while providing choices empowers children to develop decision-making skills, there are instances, particularly in early childhood, where parental guidance must prevail. She advocates for a balance between independence and parental oversight, underscoring that parents must remain engaged in crucial decision-making processes while allowing children to express their opinions. The episode also delves into the significance of validating children's emotions without condoning inappropriate behavior. Khare provides practical strategies for parents to encourage their children to articulate their feelings openly, thereby fostering a safe environment where emotional expression is not stifled by fear of judgment. Ultimately, the conversation serves as a comprehensive guide for parents striving to cultivate healthy emotional development in their children amidst the complexities of modern parenting.
Takeaways:
- The podcast emphasizes the importance of open communication between parents and children at all ages, fostering a trusting relationship.
- Amita Khare discusses how parents can encourage their children to express emotions without fear of judgment while maintaining boundaries.
- Listeners learn that offering choices to children is vital for their development but must be age-appropriate to avoid overwhelming them.
- The episode highlights the significance of emotional regulation in parenting, suggesting that parents model healthy emotional responses for their children.
- The conversation underscores the necessity of consistent parenting practices, as children thrive in structured environments with clear boundaries.
- Practical strategies for praising children are explored, advocating for specific compliments that encourage exploration rather than perfectionism.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Hello, everyone.
Speaker A:Welcome to Busy Free Mind, a podcast focused on mental wellness, emotional balance and mindful living.
Speaker A:Through practical tools and expert conversations, we support women, children and families in navigating, stress healing and everyday life with more clarity and calm.
Speaker A:Today we are joined by Amita Khare.
Speaker A:She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Zenith Counseling.
Speaker A:With over 20 years of experience supporting women, children, teens and families, she specializes in helping clients heal from trauma, anxiety and depression using practical, compassionate and culturally informed approaches.
Speaker A:Beyond her clinical work, Amita founded Shakti, a women's empowerment group for South Asian women, fostering community leadership and connection.
Speaker B:Hi, how are you, Shubha?
Speaker B:I'm doing well.
Speaker A:I'm doing great.
Speaker A:Amita, thank you so much for joining us today.
Speaker A:Before I get into my question, please tell us what inspired you to come into this field.
Speaker B:And thank you so much for the opportunity and thank you for reaching out.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:So the field was always, I was always attracted to social work since I was a teenager, I think.
Speaker B:So I always wanted to do something to help people and then so but that didn't happen until late in my life.
Speaker B:So there were a lot of like life happens.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So a lot of things.
Speaker B:And moving here to the United States, States and having children, all those things.
Speaker B:So my career was kind of on hold for a few years and I went into an early mental health war.
Speaker B:Being children who are at risk, that was a part time job.
Speaker B:And I started that when my children were young because I wanted to stay home with them and focus on raising my children.
Speaker B:So but I went into this program which helped children in elementary schools and that got me more interested into getting my masters in counseling later in life.
Speaker B:So I absolutely love doing what I do.
Speaker B:Awesome.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So finally I'm here, right?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Wonderful.
Speaker A:So my first question is when should I not offer a choice to my child?
Speaker A:And why is too many choices is a problem?
Speaker B:Okay, first of all, choices are great, right?
Speaker B:So when you're offering choice or option to your child, you're teaching them skills, you're teaching them how to be responsible, how to be accountable, how to think logically.
Speaker B:But there are times when as a parent, you have to be in a driver seat, especially when children are very young.
Speaker B:And so schooling for which elementary school they're going to, which activities they're going to get into are safety issues, like how long they can stay with their friends or silicos are okay or not, or later when can they ride their bike on their own.
Speaker B:Like all those things are where parents need to be in the driver's seat.
Speaker B:But in general, generally when children are around four years old age, they start showing their independent thinking.
Speaker B:They learn how to say no right away and they express their opinions at that point.
Speaker B:And that's where you start teaching them how to make good choices.
Speaker B:So at age appropriate levels, you engage into the discussion of pros and cons.
Speaker B:Okay, what will happen if you do this?
Speaker B:What will happen if you don't like, what are other options?
Speaker B:Choices are powerful and as parents, we are in charge of training them how to make a good choice.
Speaker B:So same thing happens when they're teenagers.
Speaker B:You cannot detect everything when they're teenagers, right?
Speaker B:They're gonna say, no, this is not how I think, or you don't know my life, things like that.
Speaker B:So at that point, having open communication, tell me what you think, how can we solve this problem together, right?
Speaker B:So these are the choices.
Speaker B:What do you think is going to work for you?
Speaker B:So it's more in depth conversation at that point.
Speaker B:So but choices are important.
Speaker B:And when children are younger, there is a little trick to it, right?
Speaker B:So you can give them two choices that you agree with.
Speaker B:So like okay, for breakfast today, you can have cereal or waffle with milk.
Speaker B:What do you want?
Speaker B:So rather than getting into that power struggle, no, you have to eat cereal today, give them choices that you agree with them.
Speaker B:And that way they also learn to make their own choice.
Speaker B:Right, awesome.
Speaker A:So how can parents encourage children to express their emotions without fear of judgment while still setting healthy boundaries and not excusing inappropriate behavior?
Speaker B:This is a huge topic.
Speaker B:This is a big topic, right?
Speaker B:Because feelings are important.
Speaker B:At the same time, regulating your emotions are important.
Speaker B:And same thing with choices, we're teaching them to regulate their emotions.
Speaker B:As a parent, that's our job.
Speaker B:And so validating what your child is feeling, that's the first important step.
Speaker B:And many times there is misconception about validation.
Speaker B:People feel that when I validate, that means that I'm agreeing with how angry they are over thing, right?
Speaker B:It's not agreeing, it's acknowledging.
Speaker B:It's saying that, okay, I hear you, this is how you're feeling.
Speaker B:You're feeling very angry about this right now and what can we do?
Speaker B:So if right away you stop them or say, oh, this you shouldn't feel this way or why are you so angry?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:So then that's not going to work.
Speaker B:So for parents it's important to acknowledge one good example of that is if you take your 6 year old to the mall and they want a specific toy, you get that they See something else.
Speaker B:And of course they want that too.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And you're saying, no, we agreed on this.
Speaker B:And so this is, is what you're getting.
Speaker B:They start throwing tantrum and then you stop them right there and saying that, okay, I, I see that you're angry because you're not getting what you want right now.
Speaker B:I understand that part.
Speaker B:Feeling angry or upset is okay, but angry behavior is not.
Speaker B:So these are your choices.
Speaker B:You can stop crying.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And maybe we'll think about getting this another try some other time or we're leaving right now.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So validating is important first.
Speaker B:That comes first.
Speaker B:There is a really good book about teaching emotion regulation and problem solving to your children.
Speaker B:It's by Dr. Dan Siegel and it's called the Whole Brain Child.
Speaker B:And it's appropriate for up to like children up to 10 years of age.
Speaker B:And they also have another series for teenagers which is called Brainstorm, specifically focused on teenagers.
Speaker B:So those are really good books.
Speaker B:Teaching parents, guiding them through.
Speaker B:Because this comes up again and again.
Speaker B:This is not like, yeah, to manage your child's feelings or to solve problems.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So yeah, that comes up again and again for many years.
Speaker B:This is, yeah.
Speaker B:So this is important and I think that's how you can handle that.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Awesome.
Speaker A:But does that work for teens also?
Speaker B:It works for teens.
Speaker B:For teens, yes.
Speaker B:Again, you have to get into that discussion.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Like for teens, by that point they have developed some critical thinking skills.
Speaker B:And so you have to trust their judgment too.
Speaker B:You cannot just impose what you are feeling is the right move for them or what, what is the right solution for them?
Speaker B:Of course, Safety issues or social media user.
Speaker B:Like there are always exceptions and boundaries.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But in general for teens, it's important to engage into the dialogue at a higher level at that point.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So thinking about long term consequences if you make this choice right now, or if you are so angry that you're throwing things, is that really the right decision?
Speaker B:Stop and think about it.
Speaker B:What tools can you use to calm down?
Speaker B:Can you take time out for yourself?
Speaker B:So go to Your room, take 10 minutes, calm down by listening to music.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or playing a video game for 10 minutes or reading a book, or just sit quietly, do a deep breathing, do that.
Speaker B:Or shoot some basketball.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So calm down first and then we can talk about it.
Speaker B:And you have to keep that promise.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:When you say, okay, we'll talk about this later, looks like you are angry right now.
Speaker B:I'm upset because you're angry.
Speaker B:And so let's take the time out and we'll come back to this this evening or tomorrow if it is not that important.
Speaker B:But as a parent, then it's your responsibility to keep that promise.
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:How do I teach my child emotional regulation when I as a parent struggle with it too?
Speaker B:Yes, that's also a very good question.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because as a parent we are also going through a lot and not every single time.
Speaker B:We are in the mindset, the right mindset to sit down calmly with our child and talk to them.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's true.
Speaker B:Some parents struggle with emotion regulation in general.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And that goes back to how they were trained to express feelings or not.
Speaker B:So I would say put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
Speaker B:Same idea.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So you need to know how to regulate your emotions first because your children are watching you.
Speaker B:Whether they are little 6 year olds, teenagers to the young adults at 25, they are still watching you and learning from you.
Speaker B:You are the role model for your child, whether you like it or not.
Speaker B:But they're learning from you.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So sometimes they're learning more by watching you than what you say.
Speaker B:And so it's important to show them how you manage your emotions.
Speaker B:So you can.
Speaker B:It's okay to say, well, I'm not in the boot talk right now, or I'm feeling a little bit upset, a little angry and might not be related to the child, it might be something else.
Speaker B:But you can say, okay, I need to calm down first, I'm going for a walk.
Speaker B:That's okay.
Speaker B:Because that's how they're going to learn how to manage emotions.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Emotionally closed off or insecure parents actually create insecure children so they don't know then how to express their feelings too.
Speaker B:So they are always on the edge.
Speaker B:They suppress their emotions.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They are there to basically survive because they're not sure when their parent is gonna lower.
Speaker A:True.
Speaker B:Right, true.
Speaker B:And so that is.
Speaker B:That's not helpful for your child.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Taking a break is okay, but not.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Not expressing your emotions.
Speaker B:Inappropriate.
Speaker B:Like the intensity of the emotion.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:That needs to match with the circumstance.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:So what is the difference between a child needing attention and a child manipulating me and how do I respond to each?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Sometimes.
Speaker B:Yes, sometimes.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So tell me one thing.
Speaker B:Do we not all of us manipulate sometimes?
Speaker A:Of course we do.
Speaker B:We do.
Speaker B:Because that's a human tendency.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:When we want something and we think that, oh, I'm not going to get that, then we start making schemes, making plans, making up stories.
Speaker B:So manipulation is human tendency.
Speaker B:So for your children, I would say be Present whenever they have something to tell you.
Speaker B:Whenever they want something, be present there and listen to them.
Speaker B:With active listening skills, meaning keep your phone away, Making the eye contact, focusing on the child, actually taking in what they have to say.
Speaker B:Even if you don't agree, it's okay.
Speaker B:But listening is important.
Speaker B:All children want their parents to listen to them first, and then they are ready to listen to you.
Speaker B:And so if you are there for your child, the need for manipulation goes down.
Speaker B:That's one thing.
Speaker B:Manipulation occurs when there is imbalance.
Speaker B:Maybe the imbalance between you, what you want for your child and what the child wants.
Speaker B:Or there is imbalance between two parents.
Speaker B:Like if both parents are not on the same page with rules or disciplining strategies, then the child knows that right away you don't have to teach them.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And they start to manipulate.
Speaker B:So the.
Speaker B:Yeah, the most important thing is be on the same page.
Speaker B:Both parents need to be on the same page on everything.
Speaker B:So like we said before about the emotional regulation of parents, I think this is also important about parenting.
Speaker B:Like, both of you, mom and dad need to discuss beforehand and be on the same page.
Speaker B:Because we have our differences.
Speaker B:Not necessarily.
Speaker B:We agree with each other.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Everything your spouse said and vice versa.
Speaker B:And so you need to be on the same page.
Speaker B:And then your child knows that, oh, it's not going to work.
Speaker B:Like, if I ask mom for something, she says no, and I go to dad and ask for the same thing, and dad says yes, then that's the way I get what I want.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Wonderful.
Speaker A:Because this happened in my home when I was in my childhood.
Speaker A:I love my dad.
Speaker A:He always supports me.
Speaker A:And when mom says something, the immediate person I would run to is my.
Speaker A:Was my father.
Speaker A:So how can I set firm boundaries with my child without using punishments, threads, or taking things away?
Speaker B:Boundaries are important.
Speaker B:I think many times I talk about boundaries with everybody, my clients and employers.
Speaker B:Like, while giving parenting advice.
Speaker B:Boundaries are very important because they create structure for your child and kids thrive in structure.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So the rules are important.
Speaker B:Boundaries are important.
Speaker B:I don't know about three threats.
Speaker B:Threads never work.
Speaker B:Threats is manipulation by parents.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Threats don't work.
Speaker B:Positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement strategies.
Speaker B:So positive reinforcement works.
Speaker B:That is like having a reward system, like a reward chart for younger kids until, like, they are 10 years old.
Speaker B:So you can have couple of behaviors over there that you want to share.
Speaker B:Like, okay, your homework is done before you play video games or do anything else or watch tv.
Speaker B:Right, Whatever.
Speaker B:So that's a requirement.
Speaker B:So if you do that, you get a start every single time.
Speaker B:If you get five stars in a week, you're going to get a small gift.
Speaker B:Small, mean really small.
Speaker B:So it could be a piece of candy.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so reward charts or token system work, they work really well for younger children.
Speaker B:Negative reinforcement, like punishment that sometimes is necessary.
Speaker B:Like if you see that your teenagers grades are going down because they are spending most of their time on social media, then there needs to be some problem solving over there.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because yeah.
Speaker B:They need to focus on their stress.
Speaker B:That is the priority.
Speaker B:So at that point you can say, okay, I'm going to take your phone away, but then be very clear about for how long.
Speaker B:So are you going to take the phone away for a week?
Speaker B:Is it until the grades come?
Speaker B:It's very, very important to talk about this before you implement.
Speaker B:So they know why you're doing.
Speaker B:Because you're more powerful than them, obviously.
Speaker B:Because you're a parent and you can do it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:But it's what is important right now.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Having that discussion.
Speaker B:And also appropriate punishment.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So that for example, if you ground your child for not doing chores, that's not appropriate, that's more severe for that.
Speaker B:So then for that you can have a departure.
Speaker B:For that you can have other incentives.
Speaker B:So appropriateness is very important.
Speaker B:It needs to be in proportion and they need to know why you're doing it even though they might not agree with it.
Speaker A:And you know, with cultural differences, it becomes more.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Yeah, it does, it does.
Speaker B:Cultural differences are important part of parenting kids here, the United States or I think anyway if you're living abroad.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker B:Because we grew up in a different standard.
Speaker B:We grew up with different sets of rules, different culture and not only time wise, but like cultural aspect.
Speaker B:And our kids are growing up here in the United States in the temperature.
Speaker B:So their base is different than us.
Speaker B:So as parents we have to acknowledge that and accept it that they have mixed identities.
Speaker B:They are influenced by American culture because they're growing up here.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And we also want to give our values, our traditions to them.
Speaker A:What's the biggest mistake parents make when trying to fix sibling rivalry?
Speaker B:Sibling rivalry is fact of life.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:I think the biggest mistake would be to take sides because then you get accused of, oh, he's your favorite or she is your favorite, you never say that to her.
Speaker B:Or I grew up with different rules, things like that.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:And so not taking sides.
Speaker B:It's more about your logical mind.
Speaker B:So when there's sibling rivalry and this again, everything I talk about is age Appropriate because you have to change as they grow up, their thinking skills are developed, their brain is developed more.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so they can take in more think for themselves.
Speaker B:And so these changes.
Speaker B:But I think the important part is being neutral and thinking about, okay, what are you feeling?
Speaker B:What is she feeling or he's he feeling and what do you want and is that possible?
Speaker B:And if you make a mistake as a parent, agree to that and apologize.
Speaker B:Like for your older child.
Speaker B:Generally this becomes older and younger children.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So if your older child says that, oh, this is not fair, I don't have this rule, or she gets away with that, my younger, younger child.
Speaker B:So then you can say, yeah, you're right.
Speaker B:So okay, from now on we will change that.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Or right if.
Speaker B:Because the time changes too.
Speaker B:So you say okay at your.
Speaker B:When you were growing up, this was appropriate and now this is what it is.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But we still have the same standard, we still have the same rules, right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like about phone use or being on social media or like about those things like going out with friends, how long you're staying up.
Speaker B:That becomes a problem in their teens.
Speaker B:What's the curfew time like?
Speaker B:I had this curfew time sheet.
Speaker B:And so things like, yeah is important still.
Speaker B:And then the parent can give the reasons, like why did we think that it is appropriate to give her phone.
Speaker B:Times have changed.
Speaker B:Or we are like, it happens sometimes that with the first child, one of the parents is home.
Speaker B:Like the mom is not working full time.
Speaker B:So I'm home, I'm here, I'm more accessible.
Speaker B:And now I'm also working full time or doing something else and she needs to reach me.
Speaker B:Then she has means or the environment around us in the change.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's not that safe anymore.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So having, having the logical response, talking about it.
Speaker B:Not because, oh, you don't know.
Speaker B:This is what we do now.
Speaker B:That's what we can do.
Speaker B:Because we parents, that's.
Speaker B:That doesn't work.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:That understanding should also come from the kids.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We can explain, but no, definitely.
Speaker B:But in my experience that works well.
Speaker B:So they might not understand at that point, but down the road they do.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker B:So they do understand that.
Speaker B:Oh, I know now why you were doing those things.
Speaker B:And we have to know that our brain doesn't develop fully until we are 25.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So they're not going to understand everything.
Speaker B:But they are still listening.
Speaker B:They are still taking it in.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Like you might think that, I mean, you might think that we have too many rules.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But I'M just doing my job as a parent because I don't want to regret it later.
Speaker B:I don't want to think about, oh, I should have been a little bit firmer at that time or I shouldn't have allowed my child to do that or I should have talked to my child about this.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I'm doing my job and you won't understand it right now because I didn't when I was growing up.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so also acknowledging what they are thinking, that you might think that this is too much right now or we are too strict, but this is the reason behind it and you might not understand it right now and you will get it later.
Speaker B:So it's okay.
Speaker B:This is what validating means.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So it's validating that they think it is unfair.
Speaker B:But at the same time, as a parent, I think this is the right thing to do and that's why I'm doing it.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker B:Awesome.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:So is good job actually bad for my child's development?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:So good job doesn't say anything about why you're praising your child.
Speaker B:Okay, so what we need is specific compliments.
Speaker B:For example, if your 8 year old draws a picture, it could be anything.
Speaker B:It could be a scenery, it could be a bird or them playing in the field or whatever that is.
Speaker B:So instead of saying, hey, good job, you can say, oh, I like the way you use colors or I see that you're trying to tell this from your picture.
Speaker B:Can you tell me more about that or tell me why you chose this particular scene to draw?
Speaker B:Okay, so it's, it's again, it's asking for more information to see what they were thinking when they were drawing and that it encourages them to do more rather than being perfect.
Speaker B:So I would also stay away from the statements of I like or I love this picture because then they will try to please you more.
Speaker B:Do the same thing again and again.
Speaker B:If you want them to explore that part of them, then be very specific about what you think is different about that picture.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And ask for more information.
Speaker B:So good job is.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Noticeable.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it is natural.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:That's the first reaction.
Speaker B:Sometimes.
Speaker B:Yeah, good job.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Now, like for example, when they are completing their homework, rather than saying good job and say, oh, I see that all your homework is done before time.
Speaker B:Exactly what is good or exactly what is the right thing to do?
Speaker B:Because that's what we are teaching them.
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:I understand.
Speaker A:Beautiful explanation.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Because I use the word good job and I love it a lot.
Speaker B:Know.
Speaker A:So how can parents address concerns about their children becoming disconnected from their cultural roots while still supporting their independence and individuality?
Speaker B:Very good question.
Speaker B:Very appropriate for us, like parents in the US Right?
Speaker B:So culture is important to us.
Speaker B:Our heritage is important to us.
Speaker B:And we want to pass it to our children and then don't show interest or they don't see how important it is to know their.
Speaker B:Then we feel sad, we get a little upset.
Speaker B:But like I said before, we have to understand that they are growing up in a different circumstance.
Speaker B:So for them, their identity is mixed.
Speaker B:They are Indian and they are American.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:For us, we say, yes, we are Indians who live in America, and yes, now we live here and we have adopted some of the American culture too.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:But for children, it is mixed, and so they need to figure out what it means for them.
Speaker B:So I think for us as parents, our job is to show them all different aspects of our culture.
Speaker B:So there is language, there is celebrating festivals or holidays.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:There is religion.
Speaker B:That's one part of it.
Speaker B:There is music, Bollywood movies.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So all of this is culture.
Speaker B:And so you have to show them, expose them to all of that and then see what they are more interested in.
Speaker B:Because some kids are more interested in learning about the language and some kids are more interested in the religion part of it.
Speaker B:So let them explore, let them see what fits in their identity as they're growing up here.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And let them choose.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because not everybody is the same.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Some children might find more meaning in following the religion, some thing.
Speaker B:So might think that it's important for me to speak my native language because then I can connect with my grandparents back.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:And so it's up to them to decide which parts of culture go with their identity.
Speaker B:And I think many times parents feel that they're rebelling against us, like they're just saying no because they are.
Speaker B:They are against us.
Speaker B:It's not that many times children, they're trying to figure out who they are, and it's complicated for them too.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So what are the top three daily habits parents can practice to strengthen their connection with their children?
Speaker B:Okay, here we go.
Speaker B:So the first of all, about top three daily habits as a parent, first of all, is be a parent to your child, not a friend.
Speaker B:They don't need a friend.
Speaker B:They need friends who are their age.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They want you to be a parent.
Speaker B:They want you to be a parent who can provide a safe environment from them for them to grow.
Speaker B:Who is willing to listen to them.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And who is willing to accept Them as they are, they also want to learn how to be in this world.
Speaker B:So they need a parent, they don't need a friend.
Speaker B:Don't try to be one.
Speaker B:Even when they are teenagers, it changes a little bit.
Speaker B:But you're still parent, they're still expecting that role from you.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So be a parent to your child.
Speaker B:The second one is open communication.
Speaker B:I cannot stress this enough and it can get exhausting, especially with your teens.
Speaker B:Discussions go on forever, so.
Speaker B:But it is very, very, very important.
Speaker B:Having open communication about all the topics, everything.
Speaker B:Even uncomfortable topics like drugs or having in relationships.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Having physical intimacy, all of those things.
Speaker B:This is all awkward sometimes for parents and the teens too.
Speaker B:But talking about it is important because again, you are a parent.
Speaker B:It's your job to guide them.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:And they need that.
Speaker B:They need that from you.
Speaker B:And so open communication is important.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And the third one is consistency.
Speaker B:You cannot flip flop on rules and boundaries.
Speaker B:Consistency is very important.
Speaker B:Showing up for your child is important, even though it is exhausting and tiring sometimes.
Speaker B:But they need to know that you're there for them no matter how old they get.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So like I said, even with your adult children, they need to know that you are there no matter what.
Speaker B:You are just one phone call away, wherever they live in the world.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So for me, these are the three important things.
Speaker B:And this is coming from also being a parent as well as being a therapist.
Speaker A:Thank you for that.
Speaker A:Thank you for that.
Speaker A:And how do you encourage independence and decision making in children without causing power struggles for all ages of kids?
Speaker B:This, this is the hardest thing to do.
Speaker B:It would be easier if we say and children listen.
Speaker B:But that's not beneficial for us or for children because we want them to be independent thinkers.
Speaker B:They are going to be out in the world at 18, they're leaving your home.
Speaker B:And we want to prepare them to be on their own.
Speaker B:So we don't want to make every decision decision for them.
Speaker B:We don't want to hover over them.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:We want to give them skills.
Speaker B:It's like driving.
Speaker B:Why are you teaching your child to drive?
Speaker B:So he or she can drive on their own once.
Speaker B:Wherever they go in the world, that's the same thing.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:So teaching them critical thinking skills, teaching them to make decisions and take responsibility for those decisions.
Speaker B:And sometimes decisions are wrong.
Speaker B:We all do that.
Speaker B:Yeah, we make wrong decisions, but we learn from them.
Speaker B:And teaching them, how do you learn from it?
Speaker B:That is important.
Speaker B:So making your children independent is very, very important.
Speaker B:And again, they are their own person they are not a copy of us.
Speaker B:So we might not agree with everything that they are saying or everything they are deciding or making a choice.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So understanding why they are doing it and letting them make small mistakes, it's okay.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Of course we need to intervene when it is critical and we see that this is not going to be a good decision.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And it has long term impacts.
Speaker B:But if it's small little things, let them because that's how they're going to learn.
Speaker A:I used to ask my little girl that if there is something like she wants from her brother, then I would ask her, okay, you are going to give me two answer which one you want to do.
Speaker A:Then she will make both the decisions in favor of her take his coins today.
Speaker A:Or I can take one today and.
Speaker B:Tomorrow, next one, the rest tomorrow.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:When we give kids to make their own decision, it will be.
Speaker A:It won't be like it.
Speaker B:Then you ask her.
Speaker B:Okay, how is he gonna feel about that?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Do you think it is fair?
Speaker B:And why is it important to be fair?
Speaker B:Would you like it if he does that to you?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So those are the questions which teaches your child to think about other people too.
Speaker B:So we're teaching them empathy, we're teaching them how to think from all angles.
Speaker B:When you are making a decision, it's not only about you.
Speaker B:And children when they're young, they are selfish.
Speaker B:They are very self centered.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And again, this is developmental.
Speaker B:So these are developmental characteristics.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:At 4 or 5 years of age, even 6, they are going to be selfish.
Speaker B:And then when we get into this, like when I say that, okay, you need to talk about things all the time.
Speaker B:This is how it looks like.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Then think about how he feels.
Speaker B:Or would you like it if somebody does this to you?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then they will change.
Speaker B:Like this is my experience that they do think, children do think.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think the exhausting part for parents is this is not one time like do it.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Again and again, again and again.
Speaker B:You have to been this and, and as a parent you also need a break.
Speaker A:Definitely.
Speaker B:So take that.
Speaker B:Take a break.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Believe me, Amita, kids are like, they have this very high photogenic memory.
Speaker A:You know, if we say that is it fair for your brother?
Speaker A:Then she'll be like, but that day he did this and you said it's okay.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:They come back.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:They would pull from so many past things happen.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker B:So we need to engage in these kind of things as a parent multiple times.
Speaker A:True.
Speaker A:So what are some practical ways to praise kids without creating a pressure to be perfect?
Speaker B:Do you think there is anything that is perfect?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:It doesn't exist.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So we are human beings, and perfectionism is harmful because it discourages your children to explore all aspects of their personality and to move forward.
Speaker B:So making mistakes is fine.
Speaker B:And sometimes mistakes are beautiful.
Speaker B:Like, you discover something from that.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:We know, especially in the art world, like, mistakes are celebrated, so mistakes are okay.
Speaker B:So rather than moving towards perfectionism, asking your child to be themselves is important.
Speaker B:So we're not giving them instructions to color in the lines, saying, okay, when do you have to stay in those lines?
Speaker B:And when you can move beyond.
Speaker B:And still that's the right decision.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So perfectionism, like going after that leads to failure.
Speaker B:There is no other way, because nobody can be perfect.
Speaker B:There's no such thing.
Speaker A:Beautiful answer.
Speaker A:So what strategies work for maintaining connection during the teenage years?
Speaker B:Maintaining corrections is very crucial since your child is born, actually.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It's easier when they're younger, so there is less friction.
Speaker B:They're so adorable.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:It's really.
Speaker B:And they also look up at us as their role models.
Speaker B:And as.
Speaker B:As they're like, okay, like, I love my mom.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You are the world to them at that point.
Speaker B:And so it's easier as when they are younger, when they start developing their own mind and their own opinions, then it becomes a little harder.
Speaker B:And that's the teenage time.
Speaker B:So understanding that during teenage years, their brain is also developing very fast.
Speaker B:They are trying to figure out who they are, what's their true place in this world, what's their identity, what they want to become.
Speaker B:So they are.
Speaker B:They are thinking in all these different directions.
Speaker B:Their emotions are very high during that time, whether it's a boy or a girl, they express differently, but their emotions are running high.
Speaker B:Their peers become important.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They can relate to their peers better than they relate to their parents.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:And so all of this is natural process of development.
Speaker B:So they are not rebelling against you.
Speaker B:They are trying to figure out what works for them.
Speaker B:And so connecting through their lens, like asking them questions, being curious about their world, trying to understand their world, trying to understand what they're going through, what they want to do, rather than judging them is important.
Speaker B:So meeting them halfway through saying that, hey, I'm here for you, I understand this is difficult.
Speaker B:Teenage is difficult for everybody.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I understand thinking that my parents don't understand.
Speaker B:I've been there, but I'm here.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm open for communication.
Speaker B:I'm ready to listen and understand you.
Speaker B:And this is done through casual conversation.
Speaker B:Not you don't have to sit down and seriously ask them about their life.
Speaker B:That doesn't work.
Speaker B:So this is through casual conversations about what music do you like now or what are you listening to?
Speaker B:I would like to listen to that and see what it is about.
Speaker B:Why do you think this song is your favorite?
Speaker B:What message do you think it's giving?
Speaker B:Giving you?
Speaker B:So having those conversations is important.
Speaker B:So they don't need a perfect parent.
Speaker B:They need somebody who is willing to sit down and listen, who is there for them all the time.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And who is trying, trying to be a parent.
Speaker B:Because we are also learning as we go through parenting.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:As they are developing what they are developing too.
Speaker B:And it's okay to tell that to your kid, especially your older one.
Speaker B:I think that, hey, this is my first time being a parent and so I'm learning with you so we don't get into power struggle.
Speaker B:And it's, I know it's very easy to say, easier to say than do it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:It takes a lot of time, lot of energy, but it, it works better.
Speaker B:And so that's how they know that you're there for them.
Speaker B:It's building that connection with them.
Speaker B:Wonderful.
Speaker A:In all your answers, Amita, I understand one thing which is very crucial is open communication with your kids.
Speaker A:Irrespective of their ages.
Speaker B:Yes, irrespective of their ages.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:That, that's what worked for me as a parent too.
Speaker B:And that's what I see working with my clients and parents.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Because really what your child needs is you being really present with them.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And that's what they need and that's what they remember.
Speaker B:If you ask any grown ups about their memories, you remember activities you did with your parents, right?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Material things really don't matter much.
Speaker B:Your time matters a lot.
Speaker B:Your unconditional love matters a lot.
Speaker B:And when we say unconditional love, it's you love your child no matter what.
Speaker B:So we're separating the child from their behavior.
Speaker B:So you can say, okay, this what you did, I really don't like that part.
Speaker B:I love you, but maybe you need to think about is this really helpful or what else could you do?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so unconditional love is important.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And they are learning from you.
Speaker B:So their core belief about themselves and the world around them develops in the childhood.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker B:And so as the parent, we are responsible for this.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker A:Thank you so much, Amita, for sharing your wisdom and compassion with us today.
Speaker A:This was truly a meaningful conversation.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:Thank you so much to our viewers and listeners.
Speaker A:We hope you found something valuable in today's episode.
Speaker A:If it resonated with you, please like share and subscribe to Busy Free Mind for more thoughtful conversations on mental wellness.
Speaker A:Take care and we'll see you next time.
Speaker B:Thank you so much, Shubana for this opportunity.
Speaker B:I enjoyed it.
Speaker A:Thank you.
